What Alison Daddo wishes she knew about menopause before going through it

At around the age of 45, I’d been dealing with changes in my body for a while. At first I joked about it, then I worried about all the things that might happen. Then it got real. The sweats, mood swings, weight gain; changes in my skin, my hair. My laundry list of vitamins and tonics skyrocketed. I started exercising again after basically barely moving my body for 12 years when I accidentally lost my fitness on the hospital floor after giving birth to my third child. Still, the weight gain, the aches, the joint issues. And along came perimenopause.

I could go on, write an epitaph about all the loss. But, like ageing in general, I refuse to believe that it’s all downhill. Ageing is not a disease. There is change, yes. There is pain, hell yes. I do believe in the phoenix somewhere inside of me and she will rise. Even if she has to take more turmeric to do it.

Like death and taxes, menopause, if you are a woman, is on your life path. And if you are a partner to a woman, well, there’s a possibility that sometimes we may need to apologise for what we’ve said, didn’t say, threw at you, screamed at you and everything in between.

I swear we didn’t mean it … much.

Among my symptoms, I noted a change in my cycle. I’d always been regular, give or take a day or two, but then I noticed I’d have a cycle every two weeks, or I’d have a cycle so heavy I could have been a shoo-in for a remake of Carrie. Oh, and the belly grew. Let me put it this way: my nether regions seemed to have disappeared under a fairly good-sized muffin top. I mean, I caught a glimpse if I heaved the belly upwards and sucked in, but generally that zone was gone.

I’m not blaming perimenopause entirely for my weight gain – there are factors such as genetics, stress and lack of sleep. Mostly, though, I’d stopped exercising. And just in case no one ever mentions this: when you stop moving your body it causes weight gain. There it is, in black and white. What a revelation, right?

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I was a full-time preschool teacher, and my husband travelled constantly, so I had three kids to look after on my own. There was no time and certainly no energy for exercise. It was so far down my list of priorities to take care of my health through exercise – it was just a fleeting thought. Add the hormonal shifts happening in my body and, well, the tummy, thighs and bum took on a life of their own. All three decided, “Let’s get this show on the road and grow, shall we? And let’s invite that party animal cellulite along, too.”

The number of times I had to explain to people, “No I’m not pregnant, just fat” was embarrassing. Convincing people that I really, truly was not six months along was ridiculous. I loved my belly and shape during all three of my pregnancies. But this looking pregnant without actually being pregnant was very unsatisfying. Strangely, though, I had cravings like a pregnant woman, cravings for things I know I should not be eating, mostly sugar, red wine and potato chips (extra salty). Man, I craved them. Who am I kidding? I still do.

I’ve since found out that both menopause and ageing affect your metabolism. I used to be able to cut things out of my diet and exercise to maintain a healthy weight, but now, nothing was shifting. No matter what I changed. My energy level to actually do exercise was almost flatline, so the weight continued to blossom.

I loved my belly and shape during all three of my pregnancies. But this looking pregnant without actually being pregnant was very unsatisfying.

All this was happening while beginning to get ready to move from Los Angeles to Sydney, after 25 years of living in America. I was visiting my naturopath at regular intervals to attempt to get some help with my exhaustion and food cravings and generally feeling unwell.

What I learnt was that I was in the midst of severe adrenal fatigue, and that can go hand in hand with triggering King Kong-size perimenopausal symptoms. It’s a bit like the chicken and the egg. If your adrenals are taxed, it messes with your hormones, and if your hormones are messed up, it punches your adrenals in the guts.

I was already an emotional wreck over leaving my friends and the place we had called home for 25 years. So, between the beginning of perimenopause and my existing emotional state, I was headed for a perfect storm of symptoms. I stepped into the arena of perimenopause with nothing left in the tank. I had beautiful friends telling me I needed to take care of myself, and I’d read self-help books about needing to look after me. I understood the theory, though I never took action. It’s one of those time-machine moments where I wish I could go back and tell myself to go easier.

I was not at my healthiest. With the lack of exercise and also a lack of sleep, my body was not happy. Though, like most of us women, I believed I just had to keep going. Other symptoms like brain fog, anxiety and mood swings I passed off as just my feelings around leaving America – I didn’t connect them to perimenopause.

Self-care is elusive if you’ve never treated yourself to it. Especially if you’re a mother, or work, or both, or are a woman and were raised to put other people ahead of yourself.

Looking back, I was definitely going through a lot more, physically, than I realised. There was no time to rest and recuperate. Three kids, one dog, and a whole life to pack up, while riding everyone else’s emotional roller coasters, was one of the most draining experiences I’ve ever gone through.

If I knew what I know now about adrenal fatigue and how it plays a part in menopause, I like to think I would have taken better care of myself. So, if you are just at the beginning of perimenopause, or still in it, self-care needs to be at the top of your to-do list. I say that like it’s an easy thing to do. For me, it wasn’t.

Sometimes I thought that online shopping could be considered self-care. Apparently, it’s not. Unfortunately, neither is falling asleep on the couch after overdosing on chocolate biscuits. Self-care is elusive if you’ve never treated yourself to it. Especially if you’re a mother, or work, or both, or are a woman and were raised to put other people ahead of yourself.

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Is self-care something you struggle with? It’s taken my deep plunge into health issues to understand how much self-care I need. And by this I mean care of your emotions and spirit, not just your physical self. Don’t underestimate the importance of looking after you. I did, and I paid the price when perimenopause came a-knocking. Start today.

Actually, start yesterday. Please, if you’re raising children, raise them with self-care. Demonstrate to them what a woman does to take care of herself, rather than how she sacrifices her own needs, feelings and health for others. As women we are up against an invisible ceiling that wants to keep us limited in terms of care and how much we can have, ask for, and demand. Sacrificing ourselves for others benefits no one. You won’t regret taking my advice.

This is an edited extract from Queen Menopause (Allen & Unwin) by Alison Daddo, out now.

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