PAGET: Navigating the complicated world of attachment styles

A few weeks ago, I was at the nail salon getting a pedicure with a close female friend. Over pumicing and polishing she shared that she’s struggling with her live-in boyfriend. She craves quality time, physical affection and verbal reassurance and yet, her partner seemingly does not. He prefers time alone and finds her requests for PDA smothering. When conflict occurs in the relationship, he’ll physically distance himself and in many cases, threatens to break up for good.

“I don’t know if things will ever work between us. We have completely different attachment styles. I’m anxious and he’s avoidant,” she sighed.

If you’ve ever gone down the pop psychology worm hole on social media, you’ve probably heard of attachment styles. It’s a hot term right now. You’ll find a slew of Instagram accounts and TikTok videos around anxious attachment in particular.

But what exactly is attachment and how does it impact your relationship?

Based on the theories of attachment developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment styles simply refer to the ways we emotionally connect with people. “They are usually developed in early childhood and are shaped by our experiences with our primary caregivers, parents, or other adults who play an important role in a child’s life,” Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho, clinical director at Absolute Awakenings explains over email.

As Kotkin-De Carvalho explains, attachment styles can be divided into four main categories: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

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When someone is securely attached, there’s a healthy balance of trust and independence. “These individuals feel comfortable asking for help when needed and can rely on others in times of distress without fear of abandonment. They are able to develop close relationships with people and have a strong sense of self-worth,” Kotkin-De Carvalho shares.

On the other hand, Kotkin-De Carvalho says, “anxious attachment styles are characterized by fear of abandonment and difficulty trusting others. These individuals often experience envy, jealousy, or insecurity in relationships and may struggle to express their feelings openly or honestly.”

In addition to the characteristics listed above, “Those with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style often worry about being rejected or not getting their emotional needs met in relationships. They may also become clingy, possessive, or overly reliant on others as a way to cope with their anxiety,” Dr. Flora Sadri-Azarbayejani, a doctor of osteopathic medicine at Psyclarity Health, shares over email.

If this sounds familiar, understand that your attachment style is not your fault. As Sadri-Azarbayejani points out, “an anxious attachment style is generally formed in early childhood when important attachment figures are not consistently available or responsive to a child’s needs. Early experiences such as neglect, emotional or physical abuse, or inconsistent parenting can lead to an insecure attachment style.”

The good news is that with commitment and care, you can heal your attachment style and become more securely attached in your relationships. In many cases, this involves seeking the help of professionals who can help you process your feelings in a safe and supportive environment. As Sadri-Azarbayejani notes, “therapy or counselling is often helpful in understanding why someone has developed an anxious attachment style as well as in learning skills to create healthier attachments with others.”

Sadri-Azarbayejani adds, “it is also helpful to practice self-care, cultivate secure relationships in which one feels safe and valued, practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques to reduce anxiety, and learn how to set boundaries in relationships.”

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Sadri-Azarbayejani says, “It’s important to note that attachment styles are not meant to be used as labels, but rather as a way to understand relationship dynamics and how our past experiences may shape our behaviour in current relationships.” In other words, you’re not broken or damaged if you’re anxiously attached.

Lastly, “remember that attachment styles are not a reflection of an individual’s worth or value — everyone has the potential for secure attachments regardless of their early childhood experiences,” says Sadri-Azarbayejani. As she reminds us, “as long as one is open to learning, growing and evolving, it is possible to heal anxious attachments and create more secure relationships in the future.”

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