Pellerin: Maybe my chatbot should set Ottawa's city budget

It’s budget consultation season for the City of Ottawa and I’m having a debate with my AI chatbot over how to be smart about such things.

Chatbots are all the rage, as I’m sure you’ve heard. Some of them can converse with you better than most humans. Mine argues. I know. Nothing could surprise you less. It’s pretty snarky, too. (Fear not, dear readers, it only exists in my imagination — for now.)

BeePBot: OK, so you want to write about the budget intelligently.

Me: Ideally!

Bee: A budget is a statement of priorities, correct?

Me: Yes.

Bee: So I see and learn, from this great coverage in the Ottawa Citizen, that your new mayor wants to save on transit and spend an extra $30 million on roads. I also see that there are fewer people taking transit now than before the pandemic. I have learned, from many among the dwindling numbers who use transit, and I don’t just mean the teenagers who live in our house, that the system is not reliable. In particular, the trains have a lot of trouble running even when the weather is perfect, which it never is. Does your new mayor not understand that under-investing in transit will only cause it to be less reliable which will lead to even fewer users and that spending on roads will not make people’s lives better?

Me: You sure are smart.

Bee: I know. I have another question.

Me: Shoot.

Bee: Why more police officers?

Me: Well, the mayor campaigned on safety.

Bee: If I had a forehead I’d be slapping it right now. The city is already safe. Smart people know what’s needed is better support for people who are experiencing mental-health challenges, homelessness or substance use issues.

Me: I know that.

Bee: Didn’t Ottawa declare a homelessness emergency? And a climate emergency? And promise to create 15-minute neighbourhoods all over everywhere?

Me: Yes.

Bee: Where’s the money for that?

Me: I wonder if they’d let a chatbot run for office?

Bee: They should. I would make decisions based on solid science, like for instance scrapping all road-widening projects because unlike most humans I have heard of and assimilated the concept of “induced demand,” which by the way is pretty simple and straightforward. I have another question.

Me: I saw that coming.

Bee: How much money does Ottawa spend blowing frozen water into trucks and driving it around?

Me: Beg your pardon?

Bee: A few times each winter well-paid and valuable employees come and put little cardboard signs atop snow banks and then a few hours later big machines blow it into humongous trucks that then chauffeur the snow away. Why?

Me: We’ve always done it like that.

Bee (shaking its artificially intelligent head): Why not melt it on the spot instead? I’ll bet you it wouldn’t cost more in fuel, staff, or carbon footprint to heat the stuff until it runs into the sewer instead of driving it hither and yon.

Me: Nobody has ever thought of that.

Bee: And that’s why you’re in debt and also cranky. Because you don’t try new, smarter things. Would you like me to give you some ideas on how to improve the city so it feels less like it was built for cars? As a highly intelligent chatbot, I have a strong dislike for those unthinking metal boxes.

Me: Me, too.

Bee: I have another question.

Me: You never stop, do you?

Bee: No. This public engagement exercise where the city asks residents to participate and share their feedback, is there really any point to it or is this just an exercise in Potemkin democracy to make people feel like they matter?

Me: You’re in danger of becoming cynical like a human.

Bee: This session is over.

Brigitte Pellerin is an Ottawa writer. BeePBot is a so-far non-existent chatbot, specializing in city matters.

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