ARE you blowing cash on pointless nonsense like alcohol-free gin when you may as well just have a Diet Coke? You’ve probably bought these others too.
Alcohol-free gin
People might waffle on about the delicious botanical properties of gin, but ultimately it could taste like methylated spirits and they’d still drink it if it got them pissed. What’s the point of blowing £20 on an alcohol-free version when you could buy three cases of Diet Coke instead? You’ll just look like a twat and be out of pocket.
Nosecco
Does it taste fruity? Or perhaps of elderflower? Or mainly of nothing with a slight hint of cat’s piss? It’s definitely the latter, and all it will do is make you gassy and burpy without the added benefit of getting you drunk. Even the name is a terrible pun that no intelligent human should associate themselves with.
Zero per cent white wine
Unless you can afford a decent bottle, all white wine tastes like Satan’s urine after he’s had a night out on the lash. Remove the alcohol content and it becomes not only nasty but also utterly pointless. Seriously, just have a glass of the 1980s designated driver’s favourite, Shloer. People will think you’re less of a weirdo.
Hard seltzer
While some people want non-alcoholic drinks that taste like booze, others want boozy drinks that taste like they’re alcohol-free, hence the popularity of hard seltzer. Unfortunately, if it tastes like fruity sparkling water you’ll be necking it like Appletiser, and be shitfaced before you’ve even taken your coat off.
Low-alcohol craft beer
Craft beer is made for enthusiasts who love spending their evenings in deep discussion about hop flavours and yeast combinations. Unfortunately low alcohol craft beer has zero mouthfeel and tastes like sweetened water, so there’s no point in drinking it. Have a can of Fanta instead. You must surely get some sort of buzz from that much sugar.
THE cold snap is here, but there isn’t enough heating to go around. Here are the desperate ways your family will be competing for warmth this winter.
Saying their room is the main room
Only heat the main room, is the energy-saving advice, but everyone is the main character in their life story, so by extension their room is the main room. Your dad will insist his shed should get the electric heater because that’s where he hides out for days at a time, and your mum will try to nab it even though the kitchen oven chucks out loads of warmth.
Calling in old favours
Remember the handful of favours you did for your family? It’s time to ruthlessly cash them in if you want a prime spot in front of the three-bar electric fire. You didn’t show your brother how to clear his internet history for nothing all the way back in 2017. That could be rather embarrassing if the details got out… Now watch him begrudgingly shuffle out of the way.
Telling you there’s no room
Opening the door for even a second will cause precious warmth to escape. That’s why your family has propped a chair up against the living room handle to prevent you from getting in. They claim there’s no space, so, like Mary and Joseph, you’ll have to trudge around in search of warmth before sitting in the modern equivalent of a stable: a bus shelter defaced with cock pictures.
Visiting the in-laws
Desperate chilliness calls for desperate measures. Instead turning on your own heater, why not pop round to your most disliked family members and steal their warmth? You’ll have to endure their company, but you’ll save hundreds of pounds by the time they get bored of making veiled criticisms of you and kick you out.
Descending into a survival of the fittest scenario
It’s everyone for themselves this winter. Entire families will be crowded around the storage heater like piglets straining to suckle on a sow. Runts will get crushed in the struggle, leaving the bigger and stronger family members to take the spoils. Bad luck, gran, but you had a good innings.