I'll be married for three years to my lovely husband this Christmas. This is a second marriage for both of us. I love him very much and after we got engaged, I sold my house and moved into his. I used that money to pay off part of his mortgage. It made sense as he had the bigger house and it was closer to where I work and where we socialise. It's also close to his family. Our children from our past relationships are in college and live in other counties, they visit and stay with us when suits at weekends and it's all very amicable.
My problem is my new mother-in-law. She is a widow, lives near by, and has started to show signs of dementia. I work from home and am a little bit more flexible in my hours than my husband. My mother-in-law has started to come to our house in the late mornings and staying until after dinner. Sometimes she stays the night.
I've been called on more and more to make her lunch or have cups of tea with her during the day. My husband has broached the subject of her moving in with us permanently. His mum helped him put a deposit on the house when he bought it, and it is still seen as 'his house' by his family.
His mother helped him a lot financially and emotionally when his first marriage broke down. I like her, she's a lovely lady, but I didn't see my life turning out this way. I fear I'll end up a full-time carer for this woman, who, at the end of the day, I don't know all that well. My husband is an only child and his ex-wife is now estranged, there are cousins close by but they are a good bit younger than us, so there isn't anyone else who could help with her care.
I don't want to seem unkind, or upset my husband, but I'm really not up for sharing my home and my life with her on a full-time basis. What should I do?
— Maureen, Co Limerick
You have an interesting yet very short question for me this week, what should I do? To find out what you should or might do we need to go through your letter. Yes, there might be a problem coming down the road but after reading your letter a couple of times I find so much positivity and the fact that you’ve started thinking about this before doing anything is great. Nothing worse than shooting your mouth off and then looking back saying crap I should have kept my powder dry.
The fact that you’ve been married before would suggest that you know how to handle sticky situations and how to deal with whatever life throws at you. You’ll need these skills to navigate these choppy waters, but you are at the helm, and you have a co-pilot, and these two people will only arrive safely if the communication is good and clear and everyone knows where they’re going otherwise the boat could go on the rock even without a storm blowing.
Your husband has also been married before. It's brilliant that ye have found each other. It's obvious that there is a huge amount of truth from the beginning. You sold your house and paid off part of his mortgage after getting engaged. This is great, this is how things are supposed to work.
It’s a common view but a wrong one that the family see the house as his, it's not. It is your home! You and your husband are at the helm of this ship. Yes, his mother helped with the deposit, as many do but that doesn’t give her any rights. Of course, you want her over, but that deposit can’t be used against you or your husband. That’s not fair, but life isn’t fair and sometimes we have to deal with these things.
She has started showing signs of dementia, it is going to be tough on everyone and I can see from your letter that you are worried that you could end up carrying most of the load and you are right to send a flare up now about this.
I really do believe we all have a duty when it comes to people who can’t take care of themselves no matter what the issue is. We need to mind them and be there for them. We need to do this as a society as well as a family. They need to know that we are there for them.
I’m sure your husband is worried about this, and he might not know how to deal with it. He might think that moving her into the house is the only solution.
I know if anything happened my mother it would floor me. You need to talk to him about it. You and he need to find a way so that his mother is cared for and ye must have a life too at the same time, otherwise ye’ll crack up! And what good is that?
Even if your mother-in-law does move in and I know you work from home, there’s a big difference between her living with you and you being her carer. There can be no blurred lines here. Ye’ll probably need to get some outside help, that’s if ye can afford it?
Here is one thing you can try, she’s a lovely lady as you said. How about trying to get to know her better? I mean that in a ‘let’s all take a step back here and have a look at the big picture’ way. Forget everything else for a while and take the heat out of it. She might surprise you? You might have a great time.
Sometimes we see older people like this as a burden and not really know them at all. I think it’s good to put yourself into her shoes. I’m sure she’s very worried at the moment, what if that’s you in 30 years’ time? It’s a really tough situation, but a very common one. Now if the getting to know her doesn’t work out as least you’ll have a better read and understanding of her.
You also mentioned your husband ex-wife, forget about her. She has gone, but his children come visit all the time. I think its time ye all sit down together first to iron out a load of things and then sit down with his mother and have the chat. I think everyone deserves that.
I think when all this is laid out in front of everyone and especially you, you will feel better about it and won’t feel as overwhelmed, You can’t beat yourself up about this. Your husband needs to step up to the plate, but you do have to be there for him. It's going to hit him hard for him to see his mom like this.
This situation won’t change on its own. The plan needs to happen now. Good luck!