The proposal: Part 2
Horesia: Part two was in June 2021. Tshiwela’s birthday is in August and I was like, “This girl is not going to do me like that — I have to propose.” So throughout June and August I was busy ordering rings. Before that, we had been speaking about getting married, so we had been to jewellery stores and tried on rings to figure out our ring sizes. Eventually, I ordered a ring. I called her family and we went for dinner in Craighall Park on her birthday. It made it a bit easy, because she was in a celebratory mode. After dinner I got down on one knee and I proposed in front of everyone. It was this whole thing, because people were taking videos and she didn’t know it was coming.
Lobola negotiations
Horesia: There isn’t a handbook to handling queer relationships, so the only cultural thing we did was slaughter a goat on the wedding day to appease the ancestors from the South African side. On the Kenyan side, they said, “Screw you and this wedding. We don’t know about it and it doesn’t fall into our culture.”
The wedding
Tshiwela: It was stressful, because we had six months to plan it. You know how weddings are, there will always be fights among family members, but it was so beautiful. Everyone whom we invited came [dressed] in the theme. It was a small wedding with 45 guests. Seeing my aunt, mom, and her best friend happy was great. Saying my vows and seeing her actually cry was the best moment, but my favourite was seeing everyone dancing. We were drinking, we were singing karaoke, it wasn’t too formal. We didn’t want it to feel like a heterosexual wedding, so we made it more like a party.
Horesia: I loved being surrounded by close family and friends. The vows took me out. I did not expect them and I was crying and I got so emotional from her proclamation of love. She also went before me, so I was a mess before it was my turn to do my vows. We had this one moment where we had the saxophonist come and play our wedding song, which was Asibe Happy (by Kabza De Small and DJ Maphorisa), and I was sipping champagne and the sun was setting.
Top tips
Horesia: Do not take official photos on your wedding day, especially if you want to enjoy the day. You know there is that moment when the couple and the photographer is there taking their photos, but I feel like the day is so short when the joy of the wedding is to enjoy it with your guests. My tip would be to schedule a different day for your official photos. You can still hire a photographer or videographer to capture authentic moments.
Tshiwela: As a queer couple, it’s important to know that not everyone is for it, so it’s up to you to be strong, love your partner, and protect your marriage. Do not invite anyone to your wedding who you feel is not there genuinely and authentically to be happy for you. I have a big, extended family, but there were so many people I had to leave out — they were only going to come for a show, like it’s a circus.
* Horesia and Tshiwela declined to have their last names mentioned.
The meeting
Horesia: We met in business school. I had just come to South Africa from Kenya for my fulltime programme, and met Tshiwela in the hallway of one of the study rooms. She was in the business class a year ahead of mine.
Tshiwela: You know when you’re walking through a doorway and someone is walking out? That’s how I first saw her, only to find out my one friend had also met her and said, “There is this cool girl who’s from Kenya who is looking to hang out – are you keen?” I said it was cool, only to find out that she was the same girl I’d told him I’d seen this one time, because she is so beautiful.
The lightbulb moment
Horesia: Wow! That was day one when we met. We hung out after school and I don’t know about her, but I could just feel this electric connection to her. I just wanted to be intimate with her. But we had a friend, the guy she’s talking about, there with us so we couldn’t misbehave. I was wondering whether there was this electric wire connecting us and if it was all in my head.
Tshiwela: (giggles) Yho, that was deep! The first moment I knew that this was the person I was going to marry was probably when we had been spending time together but we weren’t officially in a relationship. I was going to give up on this thing, but she surprised me and said let’s be together for real. I thought to myself that maybe this was the person I should be with forever, because I didn’t see myself dating anyone else after.
The proposal: Part 1
Horesia: So, there were two proposals, because in queer culture one person proposes and the other one proposes back. The first proposal was when Tshiwela proposed to me. We had gone on a getaway just around Joburg, but I could tell that she was acting weird, because she doesn’t know how to do surprises.
She even asked me if I like doughnuts or cupcakes — all these questions when I’ve been with this person for so long. It was just weird. After I took a shower I came out to this beautiful setup of doughnuts, because I love doughnuts, with all the things that I like — champagne, biltong, and chocolates. And then there was this cool stencil that she’d gotten printed. You know, like those “Happy birthday” ones, but this one said, “Be my wifey for lifey.”