Especially the flaming turkey toss. Please don't do that.
If you’re looking for a distraction from small talk with the in-laws or the inevitable family drama during Thanksgiving weekend, try anything that is not on this list.
Flaming Turkey Toss. You’re going to need a kilt, a baby onesie and a lighter. Hold on, it gets better: also a chain and an almost complete disregard for safety. The flaming turkey toss appears to be the brainchild of a bunch of college students in Indiana. In the early 2000s, the buddies had the genius idea of dressing a frozen turkey in a onesie, tying it to a chain, dousing it with lighter fluid, setting it on fire and hurling it across a football field. The kilt was optional.
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“This is what we do. We throw. Life is so simple. It’s so good, isn’t it?” one participant told WTHR in Indianapolis.
“Having that flame rotate around your body and the sound and the heat — I don’t know, it is like being the centre of the universe,” said another.
The game flamed out within a few years when the participants grew up and decided to spend the evening with family instead.
Frozen Turkey Bowling. Bowling three strikes in a row is called a turkey, but turkey bowling is a whole other kettle of foul. It’s best played in a grocery-store aisle, but a spontaneous game will probably get you arrested. In turkey bowling, one sets up a bunch of soft-drink bottles as pins and tries to knock them down by rolling the turkey at them. Any smooth surface will do, so optional playing fields include your own hallway, an icy sidewalk or last summer’s backyard slip-and-slide.
Turkey Calling Competition. This one is really clucked up. Turkey calling is a skill used by hunters. Alternatively, it’s a thing children do to drive you bananas while you’re trying to get the bird stuffed. We don’t recommend trying it out when there’s a pause in Thanksgiving dinner conversation.
The 2021 Canadian turkey calling champion, Connor Craftchick, uses something called the Pecker Wrecker. “Both Hot Lips and The Flirt are batwing cuts that sing a sweet tune,” Craftchick said last spring on Facebook. We’re going to take his word for it.
The Flirt mouth call— Connor Craftchick, aka the Canadian turkey calling champion 🇨🇦 🦃, showing the quality and ease of use of Pecker Wrecker Turkey Calls. This is a brand new call, straight out of the pack. No break-in period. The Flirt www.peckerwreckercalls.com
Posted by Pecker Wrecker Turkey Calls on Wednesday, February 24, 2021
The Turducken. It’s a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. Might as well wrap that thing in some bacon and sleep for a week immediately after dinner.
Ambrosia Salad. This pairs beautifully with a turducken. Start with something creamy like mayo, marshmallow fluff, sour cream, whipped cream or plain Greek yogurt. Dump in crushed pineapple, canned mandarin oranges, maraschino cherries, shredded coconut and mini multicoloured marshmallows. Mix that up and serve, topped with more cherries. Friends, it’s salad, you can have as many servings as you like.
It’ll all lead to that final Thanksgiving tradition: the annual Unbuttoning of the Pants at the dinner table.
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