Great Britain

The more essential your work the less you get paid, them’s the rules, says capitalism

EVERYONE is struggling under lockdown, and everyone’s got tips to help. But have you tried downing a bottle of brandy while drawing tattoos on your own arms? 

Get a glass

It’s important to maintain standards during these turbulent times, so get a glass to drink the first half of the bottle from. Ideally a clean one but alcohol is a sanitiser so it’s not strictly necessary, if you’re already at that stage.

Get a biro

Find one now because it’ll be a lot harder to find one when you’re halfway through the bottle. Choose either blue, for that nostalgic sailors’ tattoo effect, or honest Shoreditch hipster black.

Start drinking

Usually it might take a few sips to make the taste and the burning go away, but given the current situation it’s probably better to take a man-sized swig then wait until your eyes stop watering.

Sketch a couple of ideas on paper

Put down a few of your tattoo idea on paper to see how childish they are. What ink do you want to wear this evening? A classic jizzing cock, or something more sophisticated like Garfield smoking a spliff? The choice is all yours.

Finish the brandy

Before putting pen to forearm make sure you’ve finished the entire bottle of brandy. Your throat will be burning, your head spinning, and the whole pandemic situation completely gone from your mind.

Get to work

What have you chosen? A protestation of love for an ex-partner you only ever remember when this drunk, because they gave fantastic head? Brexit MP Mark Francois with a speech bubble saying ‘IM A TWAT’? The lyrics to It’s My Life by Bon Jovi? It doesn’t matter, you won’t even remember tomorrow.

Football news:

Great selection from Roma: KAFU opens up in the box and waits for a pass, but instead Totti and Batistuta score masterpieces
Sabitzer has been exposed to coronavirus in April
In the 90s, the Russian club played in the Finnish championship: the players carried cigarettes, the President went on the field. It ended because of the default
Flick about Holand: it is the first season, so it is too early to compare it with Levandovsky
Felix sprained a knee ligament in training. This is his 3rd injury of the season at Atletico
Ibrahimovic was injured in training. In Milan, they believe that he is out for a long time
Flick about Borussia: This is one of the best teams in Europe. I will be very happy if we play for zero