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A lousy Valentine’s season for some of Hollywood’s heartbreakers

Valentine’s Day cometh. In Hollywood it’s Kick and Yell. The hills are alive with the sound of lawyers.

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Brad and Angelina. Kim and Kanye. Miley Cyrus’ parents Billy Ray and Tish. Tom Brady and Gisele. Emily Rajatwhatserface and Sebastian Bear-McClard (because their names couldn’t fit on stationery). ABC’s unemployed anchor T.J. Holmes undoing wife No. 2 while Amy Robach jettisons her own No. 2. Valerie Bertinelli finished after 11 years wed to Tom Vitale. Lisa Bonet and hubby Jason Momoa — gone. After eight years marriage Rosanna Arquette and Todd Morgan — sayonara.

Perish the thought that you’d believe it but even a few Unreal Housewives have gone the route. Ditto Toni Collette, Lil Wayne.

Billy Bob Thornton racked up six marriages so far. Larry King who probably went to Heaven with rice marks on his face lived through eight. Busy Martin Scorsese is zipping along on his fifth. All the Gabors are gone but some of their husbands aren’t. Magda had six, Eva five, Mama Jolie was pretty busy herself and Zsa Zsa knocked off nine, including one last remainder who claimed he was a semi-prince — and if he’d really been one Me-Me-Meghan would have nailed him.

Billy Bob Thornton was married to Angelina Jolie for three years.
WireImage

I did Mama Jolie’s autobio. She said: “Eva’s new bridal gown is low-cut. On her neck she’s wearing a big cross.” Me: “But Jolie you’re Jewish.” Jolie: “Yes, but in the book you make us Catholics.”

Their first date Meg Ryan of Dennis Quaid: “He has wonderful arms. He looks so good in a T-shirt.” He still has those arms but they’re now divorced.

Enamored John Stamos married model Rebecca Romijn in ’98. Disenamored he divorced her 2005.

In a deli Nicolas Cage met Patricia Arquette who was inhaling liver and onions. They wed. Eventually she finished the liver and onions. And him. They divorced.

Pamela Anderson met Tommy Lee on 1994 New Year’s Eve when he licked her face. Three years later she wiped off her face — and him.

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson
Sygma via Getty Images

Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio met on a blind date — and civilization knows what happened to them.

Harrison Ford who met his second wife when she interviewed him is since married to third wife Calista Flockhart . . . Clint Eastwood’s first marriage was to secretary Margaret. Next wife Dina Ruiz met when she came to interview him . . . Paul McCartney lost his No. 1, peeled off No. 2, and it’s now No. 3 Nancy Shevell. 

Of woe-mance

And may all know Anthony Weiner’s immortal words: “Love between two people is a great experience — just important you get into bed with the right two people.”

Also: Be it known that how Ben Affleck is handling his new wife may be what Biden is doing to the whole country.

Also: May civilization never forget the wash & wear bridal gowns of Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky.

One more: Romance changes in parts of the country. Drug testing is now so commonplace that Hollywood may consider urine sampling a sanctioned event.

Only Valentine’s Day in the movie colony, kids, only in the movie colony.