Is It Normal for My Boyfriend to Hit Me?
Let’s define normal. If you mean is it in the range of things reasonable, well-adjusted, normal, safe-to-be-around individuals do as they do their daily activities, then no, it’s not “normal” for your boyfriend to hit you. We can and will, make the general rule that we do not hurt and abuse others. Now, there may be exceptions. Say you’re at a restaurant, and someone is coughing, pointing at their throat, and turning blue then the Heimlich Maneuver may demand that you pound the heck out of someone choking at the dinner table.
Now, if by “normal,” do you mean that it’s one of those things that’s so common it has its name, such as abuser, wife-beater, partner puncher, or jerk, then sadly, yes, it is normal. But that doesn’t make it right. A shockingly high number, reaching 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in the US, have experienced abuse or physical violence by a romantic partner.
But come on, in your heart of hearts, you know that it’s not right or “normal” for your boyfriend to hit you. If you’re asking for confirmation, consider yourself confirmed. You may be wondering, and you should, if a partner does this once, will he do this again? This is a question that you should be asking. While we like to think that we’re unique (we are, we are), the stats speak for themselves.
If you’re looking this question up on the internet, you likely have a personal interest in the question. It’s easy to say leave. It’s what I would do. But I’m not you, with your unique history, values, and life experience. You’re the only one who genuinely understands your situation, including your finances, housing, history/culture, and work.
The good news is that we’re all empowered with choice; the bad news is that we’re entrusted with choice. It’s like you get the test first, and the answer is cryptic because no two people have the same values, senses, opinions, and obligations in the same situation.
Now, if it were me, If I were leaving my partner because of abuse, I’d be gone because it’s the most dangerous time. If you read the news, you know the statistics: 75% of domestic violence-related homicides happen during separation, with a 75% increase in violence after the breakup for at least two years. I don’t want to scare anyone, but if you have young people in your life, whether kids, siblings, or neighbors, kids shouldn’t see things like abuse because it has long-term consequences on their emotional, psychological, and physical health and well-being.
Is It OK for my Boyfriend to Hit Me Back?
Until the last word of your question, it was a boyfriend’s stern “No.” But that previous worker’s back. This means that we can deduce that you hit him first. Your question isn’t whether violence is okay in a relationship (see the above question for greater detail). No one should be hitting anyone without getting into the complication of consensual S/M/B/D action.
Picture it: An entire planet where no one was using and abusing anyone. It sounds like a hippy-dippy place, right? And on one level, it is. It’s so laughably easy; could the answer be that simple? Yes. We will implement it? Possibly. Really? Well, only after we’ve exhausted every other solution.
It’s not all right for your boyfriend to hit you, and it’s not all right for you to hit him. We need aid for anyone spiraling downward with mental/emotional/life issues. This is where a lot of physical and emotional violence comes from.
While men, on average, are larger than women and have advantages in physical fights, that is not always the case. We should also remember the wisdom of what we were told when we were five years old: Don’t start anything, and there won’t be any trouble.
You two are having issues. You have several choices here. You can continue down this road in your relationship where one of you feels an emotion and acts out. The other acts out in return. Friends call you the Target version of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. The second option is to work on the relationship. You both read up on the subject. Talk to people you trust, maybe a friend, religious advisor, or mentor; go to counseling, individual and couple. The third: consider one of you dynamite and the other a lit match and call off the relationship before someone gets hurt.
And please look into why you hit your honey in the first place — not blaming, simply asking. This is an invitation to address the fact that something in your life is bothering you and take steps to address it. I’m not trying to be harsh; it’s a concern because acting out on others is often caused by unhealed emotional pain, trouble, uncertainty, or fear of the future.
If you’re asking, then you’re aware of that major. Knowledge is power; nothing can change until someone wants to change it. Good on you! You are doing the hard work here and should be proud of yourself.
Why Does My Boyfriend Hit Me?
Let me get the one possible answer out of a myriad of choices out of the way so that we can start assessing the options.
Nature: It’s possible. I’m not saying this is strictly the case, but he may hit you because he’s a lousy, self-centered jerk with boundary issues, few anger management skills, and tiny human empathy. Before rushing to judgment, let’s put this initial reaction on ice and look at other possible reasons.
Control: His personality makeup requires him to act from a dominant position and enact and enforce his power.
Abusive or traumatic background: Total sympathy for having witnessed/suffered abuse. But it’s an explanation; it doesn’t earn a lifetime pass as an excuse—time to get it together, man up, and break the cycle of past violence. He needs to be strong, learn from experience, and take the heroic path of overcoming barriers to interpersonal growth, commitment, and communication. In short, he needs to use his words, not his fists, silent treatment, or emotional manipulations.
Anger management issues: Some people, through a complicated interweaving of nature, nurture, current environment, and other influences, lash out physically. While all emotions are valid, some ways to express our more “dangerous” feelings (anger, sadness, rage, disappointment, jealousy) allow us to feel and show them physically (exercise, sports, creativity, etc.) neutrally and even usefully. However, touching another human being in ways that do not respect boundaries is never right. He needs to use his words.
Organic health problems: This category includes everything from a brain tumor to a traumatic brain injury, which, because of engaging in many dangerous occupations, from sports to the military, sadly, many men have been exposed to.
How-to Guide to Explore Your Domestic Abuse Options
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a support service offering confidential, bilingual advocates open 24/7. They can listen, help you identify abuse, create a safety plan, and provide options in an emergency.
Document the Abuse
Keep records of your abuse, including written documentation, like text messages. Or make videos. Keep the evidence in a safe place. If you take legal action, you’ll need this evidence to help your lawyer build a case.
Construct Your Support Network
Know your resources: Have a list of friends who can help you, whether with cash, wheels, walls, or advice. A support network is valuable and can be there for you during the abuse and after, helping to ensure you don’t go back to your abuser.
(Secretly) Pack a Bag
Getting up and leaving the relationship may be unsafe, so secretly pack essentials. Pack only a little so as not to arouse suspicion. You can stash a burner cell phone, cash, clothes, meds, and essential documentation, like your social security card (or better yet — a copy!) with friends, work, or a bus locker.
Sartre was Wrong: There IS an Exit
Tell someone. You may want someone to pick you up, so create a code word or phrase. Also, keep your car fueled and unlocked (if possible). If you live together, make sure it’s the last vehicle in your driveway. For public transit getaways, memorize nearby bus and train schedules. Monitor your boyfriend’s schedule; if you can leave when he’s away, that’s a great option.
Police
If your situation becomes life-threatening or your boyfriend hitting you threatens your safety, contact the cops; with probable cause, they can arrest your partner, and you can then file charges.
Medical Attention
If you need medical help, visit the nearest ER or see your healthcare provider. Tell them that you’ve been abused. The medical team will document your abuse and may be able to advise you. If you need to call a friend, family member, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the doctor may let you use the exam room to make a call.
Therapy
Being abused can affect your mental health. A therapist is one option to discover techniques for regaining control of your emotions and help process your experiences and emotions.
Legal Action
Abusing others: It’s not just morally wrong; it’s illegal. Therefore, options include getting a restraining order, pressing criminal charges, or suing your abuser civilly. Legal action enables you to move forward, and most importantly, it could prevent your abuser from physically abusing you, your family, or other girlfriends in the future.