Someone once said; “There are two types of people, those who contribute and those who detract. You must learn that the best way to build your career and your life is through your own achievements, not by attacking the achievements of others. People will always remember what type of person you are, and they will trust or distrust you accordingly.”
I am reminded of these words every time I look for advice, encouragement or support and all I get is criticism. I see this every time someone makes a giant leap of faith, starts a business or begins a new career.
Most recently there’s been so much to contribute towards, especially with the political climate in the country. People who have only criticism to offer are soon forgotten – those who contribute in a constructive way become part of history. This admonition applies not only to how we conduct ourselves, it also has important implications on how we choose our friends and those we choose to trust.
Today I want to delve into a less political and more personal (even though personal IS political) collaborations, known as friendships. Who we choose to associate with has a great impact on how your life turns out – financially, emotionally, physically and otherwise. Consistency of behaviour can be a clue in picking reliable friends. How often do they tell the truth? This has to do with honesty. How often do they defend you? We are talking about loyalty here.
Do they show up when you need help? Support. There is so much you can analyse when picking a companion, sometimes it takes one hangout session to know if that person is your cup of tea or not. And sometimes you really need to give yourself time because people can pretend to be something they are not, and you find yourself married to a person who is the direct opposite of what they were when you met them.
Skill
Just as the environment has its toxins, humanity includes people who consistently do toxic things. Recognising and avoiding toxic people is an essential skill to learn as early in life as possible. Toxic people can spread unhappiness and personal suffering. They ultimately poison things they come into touch with; other people, careers, businesses, marriages and, especially, children. These people are often virtually immune to insight, remorse or lasting positive change. I’m not talking about people with criminal personalities, but rather people who live and work with us every day. As a mum of a young boy, who is in preschool, I’m constantly at awe with the things he learns from other children. What type of parents do other children have out there?
Toxic behaviour doesn’t just inflict a personal hurt. It assaults systemic well-being. It generates stress and frustration at the crippling devaluation. It is deeply disturbing because, as it destabilises us, it prompts us to believe, even for a moment, that it reflects how all others see us. If you are constantly around a friend, colleague or partner who is always implying that you are not good enough, you start believing that you are not, and other people think so too. You do not take risks or chances because you already assume that you are going to fail. And the opposite is true – when you are with someone who is always hyping you up, offering advice and making you feel like you are doing great, you WILL do great.
The trouble is, it tends to be catching. Like all negative phenomena, it makes an outsize impact on the brain even if only witnessed. No sooner does one worker see a boss berating an underlying than that employee finds herself replicating the behaviour. In families, bad behaviour can get passed from generation to generation as reliably as hair colour. In personal relationships it is more insidiously woven through bonds of attachment. Whether toxic behaviour issues stem from sheer thoughtlessness or pure malice, it has always been part of the human repertoire. However, much we find ourselves living in toxic times, it falls to each of us to know how to recognise nastiness and how to deflect it. Handling toxic people may not be easy, but it is vital to your welfare and to the greater good.