Ask Amy: RV trip may be a hero's trip

Article author:

Amy Dickinson •  Specializing in post-media networks

Dear Amy:I'm a 66 year old gay man. I have met 64 year old "Dave" for about 6 months.

So far, this is just a friend. Our relationship is platonic.

Dave met my sisters and friends and they think he's great. Me too.

Just before I met him, he broke up with "Michael". He hasn't seen anyone else in the last two months.

Dave and I will be doing RV in a few weeks. Expectations are killing me. During the trip, I meet his 90-year-old mom.

I have been single for many years. My last ex was my best friend who died four years ago.

I continue to meet other men for casual sex. I knew "Dave" and said: "Don't change who you are."

We talked about monogamy (we were monogamous in past relationships).

I'm afraid that 1,000% want to be monogamous, but they can't.

I feel as engrossed as 16 years old, loving and making mistakes on the part of friendship.

Previously, I was blamed for (former) ambivalence, but now I feel obsessed with the need to be on his side.

He used to control up to n degrees.

How can I balance my aversion to his control? I want to see him more.

I think at least another 10 years is a good year, but I finally found the best one.

I want this.

– Tom

Dear Tom:So far, you and "Dave" are taking things very slowly – and of this relationship From a point of view, you are making a good choice.

Proven to communicate well, we need to continue.

Does he want to have a complete, non-platonic, monogamous relationship with you? You should ask him. You also need to be completely transparent about your concerns about your tastes and past experiences.

If he attaches great importance to monogamy but doesn't mind continuing to meet others, he's ready to commit to you. You may not be able to do it, or you may not want to commit.

Accept his choice and this ambiguity with as much openness and tranquility as possible.

You are only open to your feelings and fears about your experience, not trying to control him. Your ambivalence in the past may speak of a deep fear of being hurt, but bringing that leap to full trust with him and yourself is the brave and romantic RV you are facing. It's a hero's journey.

Speaking as someone who found the "best" later in life, I would like to testify to the transforming nature of a truly devoted relationship between two equals.

If you need this, get it.

Dear Amy:A few months ago, a group of colleagues went out for happy hour. We were talking about how our work makes relationships difficult. I mentioned a colleague who is experiencing a divorce. I didn't say her name, but another colleague said, "Oh, you're talking about'Tummy'. She's my best friend."

Everyone knows Tammy. I like it. We all agreed that her husband hated what she was doing.

She got a call from Tammy and heard that I was talking about her. Anyone who told her this said I told the group some terrible things about her child and ex-husband.

I told her I never told her that I was blaming me. No one else said it. That was completely wrong.

I told her that the person who shared this false information was clearly the one she trusted. You can see that she doesn't believe me.

I don't know if I should ask her to tell me who said this about me or if I should leave it alone. I really like her and I'm sad about how she recognizes me now.

– Remorseful Gossip Girl

Dear Remorseful:Do not extend the drama and double down. Contact Tammy and say, "Your good opinion makes a lot of sense to me. I would like to repeat not spreading or repeating malicious gossip about you."

Dear Amy:I was very disappointed with your reaction to the "young wife". This woman-in-law was staying in her apartment (her young couple was staying elsewhere), and her mother-in-law was cleaning and washing the couple.

Do not touch the property of others. This is an important boundary issue.

– Upset

Dear upset:I asserted that her mother-in-law was trying to help. If an older woman makes a mistake or steps over, her daughter-in-law will kindly let you know.

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