If these snowmen could talk: The great snowpeople of history

From miracles to abominations, we’ve got all your lesser-known snowpeople right here.

In a richly imaginary world, Frosty and Olaf are giving each other a warm hug after a friendly snowball fight.

Those two are arguably the most famous snowmen of all time. Admit it, when you read that sentence, you could see the entire scene play out. Celebrity snowpeople are all well and good, but what about the B-list winter actors? We took a deep dive — or a long slide — into some of the lesser-known snowpeople of history.

The first snowman

The Book of Hours, a medieval prayer book, was published in 1380. There in the margins is a drawing of a what might be a snowperson. They have a jaunty hat with a pompom and, speaking of pompoms, they are drawn as though they have breasts. Their defined nose is sculpted, not a carrot, and their sad expression might be because of what appears to be a hot cauldron directly below them.

Tallest snowperson

Bethel, Me., is very proud of its snowpeople. They set a world record in 1999 with 10-storey-tall Angus, King of the Mountain. Olympia SnowWoman was built in 2008 and towered up to 11 storeys, just shy of the Statue of Liberty’s height. “Their mouths were car tires, buttons were skidder tires, their arms were 25-foot spruce trees and their hats were 16-foot and 20-foot in diameter fabric made by middle-school students,” Bethel’s Chamber of Commerce boasts. “Olympia’s eyelashes were alpine skis — and just to die for!” It took nearly 6,000 tonnes of snow to build her.

Tiniest snowman

The smallest snowman is Canadian. Just days before Christmas 2016, Todd Simpson, from Western University’s Nanofabrication Facility in London, Ont., shared his teeny snowperson. He said the figure was made from three incredibly tiny silica spheres stacked on top of each other, with arms and a nose made of platinum. The jolly fellow is less than three microns tall — a human hair is about 50 microns in diameter — and can only be seen with an electron microscope.

Scariest snowpeople

Lists of pop-culture nightmare snowpeople aren’t hard to find and are populated by sinister types like the Abominable Snowman, Snowman Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas and DC Comics’ Blue Snowman. But for creep factor, we think the toothy snowmen from Doctor Who win the cold war. They appeared in the 2012 Doctor Who Christmas special and were vanquished (natch) by the 11th Doctor, played by Matt Smith.

Fastest snowman

Not to get too specific, but the Guinness World Record-holder for “fastest marathon dressed as a snowperson (male)” goes to Alistair Kealty. The Australian set the record at the Brasov Marathon in Romania in 2019. Kealty’s previous records include running as Bigfoot, in a wetsuit, in flip-flops and as an astronaut.

Social justice snowpeople

It was stinking cold in Brussels during 1511’s Winter of Death. The peasants were fed up. A winter festival was called for as a distraction, but it took a turn. The gentry had beautiful snow sculptures in front of their homes, but the lower classes took the opportunity to make political statements with gambling snow-gentlemen, a peeing fountain boy, a pooping cow and many others that were downright pornographic. “These snowmen were rock stars and the Miracle of 1511 was Woodstock,” Atlas Obscura says.

World’s easiest snowman craft

Tea lights. Sharpies. Glue and bits of stuff hanging around. There, done.