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WOLOSHYN: All I want for Christmas is a face mask

I’m not much for Christmas shopping. My wife took care of all the kids’ gifts, although I did offer suggestions, until they got to an age where “there’s no better gift than cash!” Besides, in return for giving them gifts of clothing, what would I receive? Humiliation, in front of my friends and theirs, accompanied by the “how old are you anyway?” stare.

But now that they’re mature adults, I still give them cash, unless I stumble upon something original or practical or even whimsical. I have been searching for such things as of late, mostly online, and have found a few that I’d like to share with you.

For those brutally cold days when you’re outside and your cellphone rings and you can’t answer it because you’re wearing gloves and they prohibit you from doing so, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to expose your skin. Then what you need is Touchscreen gloves from a company called Harrms. They claim that all 10 fingers are touchscreen compatible. Although I don’t think this is a new invention, I think it’s a good one.

Now for those of you who wish not to pollute our planet with plastic straws, how about “The Final Straw“? It folds into a small container that attaches to a key ring. Smart idea, but I’m not sure I’d want to walk around with a portable straw, though I suppose for some it’s cheaper than rolling up a $100 bill, if you know what I mean.

If you’re not really proficient in the kitchen, or just lazy, then for you there’s the “Dash Rapid Egg Cooker.” It’s a bowl with a transparent semi-circular top which will prepare soft boiled, hard boiled, scrambled and poached eggs.

Have you ever found yourself watching TV and you can’t hear what a character is saying because they either mumble or soft-talk and rewinding five times to figure it what they said? Well, then you need “The Voice Clarifying TV Speaker.”

And apparently it does just that — clarifies sounds from a television to help you hear dialogue more clearly.

But my favourite is the “Hypnotic Jellyfish Oceanarium.” An LED lighted desktop oceanarium (my computer keeps telling me there’s no such word). Inside are four synthetic jellyfish bobbing up and down. I like this because if this lockdown continues, hypnotics may be a godsend.

Now something we all need are face masks. (Anti-masters need not contact me.) But if we’re to continue covering up, then why not do it creatively. With phrases written on them like, “Let me Out!” The next time someone starts talking to you, mouth the words while wearing your “Guess what I’m saying” mask. Or a “I really feel sorry for lip readers” mask.

Last week, I walked up to a trash container and spit out my gum — forgetting I was masked, prompting the “I’ve got gum stuck in my mask” mask.

One of the problems with masks is you can’t tell if someone is happy or sad because they can’t see if you’re smiling, so make it easy for them with your “I’m smiling. Really! Actually I’m lying” mask.

And, finally, a prayer for help. “OK God, I get it we’re not nice people, now please stop this. Please!” mask.

— Ted Woloshyn hosts “Saturday with Ted” from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m. on Newstalk 1010

Twitter.com/Tedwoloshyn

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