Once upon a time there was an economically challenged rural family: a man, his daughter and son, and his second wife (not the birth mother of the children). Time came when they were so terribly impoverished the not-birth-mother suggested they send the children out into the bush, where mayhap they’d be rescued by a more financially secure family.
What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like they’d be taken in by a witch and groomed for a fate worse than death. Well, it could actually be death, but either way, the couple would no longer have to provide for them.
And then, once upon a time, there was this really nice girl who lost her mother when she was still quite young. Her father remarried, as fathers in stories are wont to do, and in doing so, added a new mom and two other girls to the family.
I think some information is missing, but it seems they made her drop out of school to be a sort of captive domestic worker. Not only that, no one was nice to her, everyone yelled at her, they beauty-shamed her, and she had to sleep on the floor. With rats.
“Once upon a time” is the intro to some of the most horrible family stories we ever heard. Who were these people? Why was the parenting so bad? Why so much child neglect? What accounts for the desperate mortality rate of first wives?
Toxic family relationships are not new. We may be learning more about them now, but we’ve certainly been talking about them for forever. It’s good to learn old things. Will it help us to break the cycles of mistreatment, maltreatment, and sometimes no treatment at all?
Maybe. You ever learn anything from a fairytale?
The research ranges far and farther. It takes into account situations in which abuse is occurring. It looks at what might happen when there’s a substance-dependent member of the family and others are facilitating them.
Maybe one or more family members have an undiagnosed mental disorder. There seems to be a vast array of things that can make for a toxic family environment.
Seems to me that what that really says is that it can occur in any family at all.
Some sources focus on the parents. The more dependable-looking ones lean in on siblings and other relatives as well. I think that bit – not blaming only the parents – is really important for people like us, Caribbean people, people for whom family can be a vast, rambling thing and blood is not all that counts.
One of the things all the studies stand behind is that if you feel afraid of or even sick at the thought of encountering one or more member of your family, there’s something bad there.
The other thing they agree on is the importance of setting boundaries.
Not everything that is unpleasant in a family is toxic, and this should not become a cover-all for “my family’s not perfect.” If we set aside the earlier examples such as abuse and mental disturbance, you’ll find we’re still left with quite a lot. People can be vile.
Splitting and pitting were two terms I came across often. A toxic family member will push others apart and set them against each other. They’ll try to make others jealous of each other. They’ll lie. They’ll lie a lot. They’ll show disrespect for feelings, opinions and boundaries.
There may or may not be outright violence, but there are so many ways in which cruelty can assert itself. Like gossiping about you (or betraying confidences by any other name). Lying about you. Never apologising.
That thing about love meaning never having to say you’re sorry; I so very deeply hope you know just how awful an idea that was. How did anyone think that was a good line even in a movie?
Have you ever learned anything from a fairytale?
The one thing that usually plays out is that some serious distance usually gets put between the good kids and the bad ones. Or any kids and the bad parents. There is distance before happily ever after.
And that’s what the toxic family researchers say too. Set boundaries. If people keep making you feel threatened or bad about yourself, stay away. You may not ever get the answers to why things are the way they are, but you can protect yourself. So try.
Even with all of this, still remember, just because you don’t get along doesn’t mean your family is toxic.
Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.
