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Beware of lies that kill relationships (part 2)

TELLING a lie in order to deceive someone in a relationship can result in lack of trust.
In certain instances, partners may even lie that they never said something when they realise they realise they said something they should not have.
A recent court case of a man of Commando Unit in Ndola – on the Copperbelt – in which he doubted the paternity of his first child, is a good example of relationships that have revealed different lies that couples live with.
This year, the Government in Zambia said DNA tests would be conducted free of charge at public hospitals, including at local clinics.
The debate across many communities in which some women, who have been living a lie of claiming that their children were fathered by their husbands, would lead to some men being set free from such lies.
Similarly, the new development, which has received a positive, will also set some single women free from men who rejected them after they got pregnant, claiming they were not the ones responsible for the child.
There are some harmless lies that are told to avoid conflicts and since many of us do not want to hear the truth every time.
When we are told the truth, we create a conflict and have to deal with the results.
Here are some more lies that people say in relationships:

  1. I’m fine.
    Studies show that this is one of those lies in a relationship that is mostly told by a woman when she is quiet and her spouse asks, “What’s wrong?”
    The studies show that the woman definitely is not fine.
    In fact, she is so upset that she wants to scream and shout and tell the partner why.
    But why doesn’t she?
    Studies show that because women want men to continue asking them and usually want to come out clean after three or four “I’m fines.”
    It is important to feel comfortable by expressing your feelings to your partner as part of having a healthy relationship rather than telling lies that will create lack of trust.
    Emotions are described as an integral part of being human, and expressing feelings appropriately can deepen and strengthen the relationship you have with your partner or spouse.
  2. He/she is just a friend
    This relationship lie is told when a person discovers an embarrassing textmessage or conversation between their spouse or partner with another person of the opposite sex.
    Lying has costed some partners, particularly when it comes to mobile phones communication or email texts that are received.
    United Church (UCZ) St Andrews Congregation Reverend Friday Simukoko recently addressed a newly wedded couple and congregants attending a wedding at Northrise congregation in Ndola.
    Rev Simukoko said it is unfortunate how phones have become a source of conflicts in marriages as more couples use the phones to lies.
    “People have become slaves of their own phones and are uncomfortable to answer a call or message in the presence of their partners.
    We have people who go to the bathroom with their phones because they fear their partners would answer their phones or listen to their inappropriate conversations.
    Rev Simukoko said inventors of phones created them for the whole purpose of humanity having access to relay and receive communication.
    And yet, some people have chosen to abuse them with inappropriate actions.
    Our cell phone activity may not be as private as we think.
    If not used properly, cell phones are slowly ruining relationships to the point of divorce.
    Rev Simukoko also said some men are copying other cultures were they think beating their wives when they have a misunderstanding is acceptable.
    “This is not time for some men to exercise their physical strength. We are in times were men must use their wisdom and think how they will provide for their families as responsible heads of their homes,” he said.
  3. I am busy
    This relationship lie is common among young women and men dating.
    Some people will always tell their partners that they are really busy with work or other activities.
    People should talk to their partners directly and ask them exactly what is keeping them busy and how both of them can make time for each other.
    If someone wants to see you, he or she will make time no matter what is going on in his of her life.
    So if they are claiming they have a busy schedule, it could mean they do not want to be with you or are committed elsewhere.
    Relationship experts have suggested that what people need to consider when it comes to relationships is that there are two types of people, those who get into a serious relationship when the time is right and those who get into a serious relationship when the person is right.
    In addition, the experts say if it is the right time for the couple, they will make it work and fight to fit into each other’s busy schedule.
    People have been in unclear relationships for so many years, but if someone wants the relationship to work, the “too busy” excuse will be non -existent.
    Otherwise, as experts put it, being too busy may not be the right time for this person to get into a relationship.
  4. Finances
    I received some email messages on challenges of finances in relationships and how these have created conflicts among partners.
    Combining finances takes a lot of trust.
    But that trust is betrayed in a really painful way when partners have hidden or lied about their ability to contribute to financial stability in their relationship.
    If you are particular about your wealth, come up with financial plans together with your partner instead of lying about your bank account, salary or projects you have embarked on.
    Notably, the state of financial inequality in a marriage is not uncommon.
    While men are typically perceived to assume the role of breadwinners, we are now seeing a shift in which single, married and dating women are playing the role of breadwinners.
    This has led to some resentment in some men because they feel uncomfortable earning less than women while some women do not want to take up the role of being the provider.
    Whatever the case, the money conversation is integral in all relationships and, without it, you cannot realistically plan for a future together.
    It is important to note that there are many considerations that come into play when deciding whether honesty is the best route to take other than always lying, because when your lies become perpetual, it may be a sign that you need professional help.
    With the rising number of divorce cases in the courts of law, which have proved to be more prevalent than many people may think, there is need to treat marital problems manifesting from lying partners with urgency.
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