Ask Amy: Family needs a non-binary primer

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Amy Dickinson •  Specializing in post-media networks

Dear Amy:Last year my daughter (22 years old) came out as non-binary and I fully support them (We are using them) / their pronoun is now). They have been happy since they left.

They prefer to use the middle name (let's say "Max") instead of the first name ("Susie").

The problem now is that my religious sister (who lives in another country) comes to town for a visit.

I talked to her sister about "Max" a while back, but she's obviously not very happy with it (it's not my problem). In our online chat, she continues to refer to Max using her former name "Susie".

Whenever she does so, I reply in the following way: I want to hear quotations from the Bible.

Max hasn't seen her for a long time because her sister doesn't live in this country. I haven't told Max about her aunt's refusal to call them "Max."

How should I handle this?

– Anxious mother

Dear anxiety:Non-binary refers to gender, not sexuality. I don't know that the Bible deals with this aspect of being human (but I think the reader will correct me).

If we accept that genders occur along a continuum marked by two genders (female / male) at both ends of the spectrum, then some humans are completely male or completely female. It makes sense to identify that it is not, but as "non-binary".

Again, this gender identity is separate from the issue of human sexuality.

Let's stipulate that your sister may confuse it even after you explain this.

But even the most confused and gender-denying people can understand it when someone changes their name.

If "Max" gets married and takes the name of her spouse, your sister will definitely respect her name change.

You should tell her: "Call" Max "" Max ". That is their name. If she forgets, remind her.

Yes, I call attention to Max. Max can decide how much they want to care about your sister's opinion, and I keep whistling past your sister's nonsense until you're done with her visit I suggest. As you pointed out, this is "not a problem".

I recently saw a useful and compassionate introduction to TED talk on the topic of growing non-binary. It is highly recommended to send her sister a link "Walking through the world non-binary" by Jesse Lueck available on YouTube.

Dear Amy:I am a married woman, 60 years old.

Her husband and I haven't had sex for over two years.

I keep hearing that people in their 60s have a lot of fun having sex.

My husband is taking blood pressure medication, which is struggling with our sexual life.

This is the problem: my ex-friend communicated with me via Facebook.

He and I flirt with each other, but we live in different cities.

He told me I wish I hadn't been married because he would come to town and wipe my feet.

He is very funny and compassionate and we talk a lot through FB Messenger.

I'm always thinking of having sex with him, and he says the same.

That's wrong. What should I do?

– Waiting anxiously

Dear Waiting:I'm sorry you're experiencing this challenge in your marriage. Is your constant communication with others and sharing of thoughts and fantasies wrong?

How would you feel if you had a disability or illness and your husband did what you were doing?

Fantasy is great and can affirm life. You should not deny it. You may be able to get some of this energy back into your marriage. However, this relationship shows a fairly slippery slope for you and is beginning to interfere with your emotional connection with your husband.

Please be careful.

Dear Amy:"No children" was a young woman who changed her mind about having children.

I started dating a 29 year old man when I was 42 years old. I told him in advance that I didn't want a child very early in our relationship. He decided it was okay.

A few years later he changed his mind and ended our relationship.

I remember thinking, "What was I thinking when I asked a 29-year-old man to make such a decision?"

I should have known better.

– Child dress of choice

Dear child dress:This is a very straightforward answer.

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