'Me and President Trudeau we signed a new agreement where we’re going to stop those Chinese balloons from interfering in Canadian democracy'
U.S. President Joe Biden made his first dedicated visit to Canada on Thursday. The American commander-in-chief is awkwardly dropping in on Ottawa just as it roils with a potentially existential scandal for the incumbent Liberals.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of U.S. President Joe Biden.
Monday
My dad always used to say to me, he would say, “Joey, Canada is a real country. They got people there. People shopping for food. People going to church.” So I’ve always admired Canada. They only use glass pop bottles to help stop the whales from choking on the bottle caps. On Sundays — this is true — every Canadian gets together to chop wood for their old people. And here’s the deal: That’s why not a single Canadian has ever gotten arthritis. Not one. They say that the SNL guy … Lorne Something … they say he’s Canadian. I’m not sure about that.
Tuesday
I was in Canada the day Wayne Gretzky died. I remember I was in Toronto and I couldn’t get a cab because all I had was these $2 bills. Canadian cab drivers, man; they wouldn’t take $2 bills because if you tried to deposit them at a bank people would think you were a pimp. True story. Anyway, because of Gretzky everybody was wearing these black armbands and if you turned on a radio there was no music, it was just the national anthem over and over. You know the one: “Spread your tiny wings and fly away. And take the snow back with you.” I learned a lot that day.
Wednesday
When I was a Senator, all the time you’d have these Canadian politicians coming down to Washington to tell us the problems they were having with the polar bears. “The polar bears; they’re in bad shape,” they’d say. “We need America’s help with these bears.” And we fixed those bears; by God we did. I’ll never forget what Pierre Trudeau said to me at the time. Pierre Trudeau says to me, “Mr. Biden there’s an environment out there.” An environment! Every 40 minutes we lose enough rainforest to fill the entire state of Vermont — with rainforest. This is the United States of America, goddammit.
Thursday
The internet is just a miracle, you know? In the bad old days if you wanted to find out what the Canadian flag looks like — or something — where are you going to find a Canadian flag? But now with the internet you just click a button and “boom” you can bring that Airbnb car right to your front door. But get this: When you touch down at the airport in Canada, they meet you with these cartoon guys; the Dudley Righty-Os. You know what I’m talking about; the Royal Constabulary Police Corps. The Queen doesn’t live in Canada anymore, so they send the Governor General instead. That’s a fact.
Friday
Well, we got it done in Canada. Me and President Trudeau we signed a new agreement where we’re going to stop those Chinese balloons from interfering in Canadian democracy. We’re going to end acid rain. No. 2, we’ve got a plan to fix inflation in Haiti: By this time next year all 750 million Haitians will be cancer-free. Read my lips: Vladimir Putin will not invade Czechoslovakia.
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Read more of the Dear Diary series
