Fame means selling out
Celebs have hustled brands since even before Marco Polo pushed spaghetti on us.
Gaga toasts Dom Pérignon. George Clooney is — pardon the expression — high on Casamigos tequila. James Corden, Keurig. Liev Schreiber snoozes on Mattress Firm. John Travolta and Zach Braff get greased for T-Mobile. J.K. Simmons? Farmers Insurance. For 50 Cent it’s Vitaminwater. Clint Eastwood — golf courses. Forget Will Smith — he has his own misery. Keanu Reeves pushes something but I forgot what.
Ryan Reynolds — something called Aviation American Gin. Whatever it is it keeps him up. Jimmie “J.J.” Walker calls Medicare “dy-no-mite.” Johnny Depp — Dior. Jennifer Aniston? Keen-o with Aveeno. Janelle Monáe drives an Audi. William Shatner did shtick with Priceline. Ashton Kutcher — technology stuff. Chrissy Teigen — food. Drew Barrymore’s Flower Home brand pushes towels, beds, sheets — and Drew Barrymore.
Matthew McConaughey is all right all right all right with Lincoln. Martha Stewart’s everywhere with everything. Snoop Dogg lights up with Bic lighters — and whoknowswhatelse. Julia Roberts’ brother Eric fattens up with American Standard’s something.
Eli Manning — Frank’s RedHot. Kate Hudson — athletic wear. Scarlett Johansson who sued for $20 million for one movie once did a popcorn shop. Our so-called vice president’s stepkid Ella Emhoff knits. At home. In Brooklyn. Maybe she could cable stitch a decent speech for her stepmom.
What else do they do?
Eli’s brother Peyton does Doritos. Elton John orders Uber Eats. Anna Kendrick? Rocket Mortgage. Ewan McGregor? Expedia. Idris Elba — Booking.com. Lindsay Lohan? Whothehell knows. She’s whoever/whatever/whichever. Her kinks work out at Planet Fitness — next to Dennis Rodman. Sandra Bullock? Restaurants. Sarah Jessica Parker — shoes. Tom Selleck — a California avocado farm. Kylie Jenner’s like crabgrass — there’s no place she’s not.
So many side shticks. Carmen Electra makes — ready? — stripper poles. Kevin Costner? Ocean therapy. His thing is cleaning the ocean. Cleaning the ocean? Yeah. Cleaning the ocean. Atlantic or Pacific, this I don’t know. Shaquille O’Neal does car wash joints. Susan Sarandon? Ping-pong clubs. Ping-pong clubs? Yeah, ping-pong clubs. Karlie Kloss did a camp for young women.
A crate of names — Beyoncé, Cardi B, Zendaya, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Ellen DeGeneres — push shmattas. Jessica Alba — baby wipes and diapers. When she finds time to remove her kindergarten lover, Madonna does something with or about books. Maybe she just reads to him. Gwyneth we know. Michael Strahan — swimwear.
Me, I plan to partner with chatbots. By Monday they’ll start writing this column.
Shield down
Child prostitute in films, in those days zippo between her and her Calvin Klein jeans zipper, and also on Time magazine’s cover, Brooke Shields now says “I’m amazed I survived. A model’s life is not a model for normal.”
Her “Pretty Baby: Brooke Shields” doc starts April 3 on Hulu.
Other than that, I think we should all go into the no-fault auto insurance game. This way, if anyone has an accident, they can call our Manhattan insurance company and instantly we tell them it isn’t their fault.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
