I amJune 27th. I am 29 years old It's my birthday. And I wish it wasn't.
I didn't always hate birthdays. I clearly remember turning five in the backyard with a little pony that Grandma found and a Hot Wheel car that she played with in a freshman crash. I remember renting an ice rink when I was 6 years old. Bowling party when I was 9 years old. When I was 10, I overslept with waffles and ice cream. I sang karaoke. My mother and grandmother were judges. They chose my most shy friend as the winner. I think it's my first memory of prioritizing kindness over easy choice.
At that time, I didn't know that my birthday caused pain to anyone.
It happened at a gas station. The moment of silence from when the key was pulled out of the ignition until the door of his car opened and the pump was activated. I think I was a kid. And in that space, my mother said it.
I should have killed you if I had the chance.
Even in the back seat, I could feel the truth unleashed. One has been suffocated for a long time, but it is always present.
It's the day I learned to hate myself.
Now I know her mother is young. At that time, when I was eight or nine, her mother wasn't yet thirty. I remember the shocked look on her parents' faces when her mother appeared on her first school trip chaperone. It wasn't, but it wasn't shameful. I don't. yet. A few years later, I learned the complete truth. My mother was sexually assaulted at the age of 15. In addition to pain and trauma, I was the result.
Read more:I had an unplanned pregnancy and had choices
Sit down and what happens In my debut novel in July 2019 when I wrote it, the gas station utterances still weighed heavily on my mind, as it has been every day since then. I didn't intend to publish a book. At least not. I didn't want to dig up my past. I wrote the story of Michie, a high school student who is away from her mother, convinced herself that she wanted to finish it in her mid-20s. I haven't talked to her mother in the last few years. I haven't done it yet. However,Love Times Infinitywas completely formed.
I was worried that I might feel sick about how my book would be received. Do you think people were pushing the story against abortion, a position I didn't fully understand on my own. Writing through Michie's journey helped me in that way and gave me a better understanding and compassion. I was worried in the general sense — the topic was vibrating just below the surface, but not at the forefront of my mind every day. We still lived in a world where many believe that there is no real threat to the status quo. And in that certainty, I simply offered a perspective never mentioned before in traditional publishing. It's not always timely, at least not as timely as global climate change, basic income, or universal health care.
AndThe Roe v. Wade case has been overturned
And my book has become a new kind of timely. The right to abortion is in everyone's heart, almost every second if you are like me. We can't stop thinking about adding our role to the conversation that many want to act on our behalf as children born of sexual violence. To be honest, I get angry. I get angry that those who give up our care as soon as we get out of the womb are pretending to know our hearts, our hearts. Make it easy to understand.
Read more:How to leave yourself to motherhood
If so, I will live this life I gave my mother peace and complete ownership of her own body, who would not have been willing to live. In fact, my life wouldn't have been affected at all. Maybe my mind has moved to the next body, maybe I've been in the state of nothing I already had. I don't know and I don't really care. And I'm grateful for my life, but beyond gratitude, I don't think it's more valuable than my mother's relationship.
I spent most of my teens hoping to die. I felt the burden of my existence every day. When you believe that you were not chosen, loved, or desired, I still can't put into words the darkness that tears you apart. It wasn't power that kept me here. It was horror. A place of heaven promised by those who were born of something so dark and wicked, forcing me to exist and then afflicting me alone, fearing that I was destined for hell. May be able to have. Many children do not survive the darkness with their own hands or with the hands of parents forced to give them their bodies.
I want to clarify. I don't think you need to rape or violate to access the abortion. The extremism used in the conversation is a real concern, but I don't think it helps in the overall fight for reproductive equity. Harm should not have come to you to have full control of your body.
But if you are also a child of sexual assault, be aware that I will meet you. Maybe you are fighting for gratitude for your life and hoping that your life will not harm others. I know you're sick of you and the people talking about you, but never to you, never to you. not really. Because they are busy speaking for themselves, pushing their agenda and using our story to perpetuate the harm. Today I'm 29 years old, but I hope it's not.
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