There are so many comforts to be found in The Great British Baking Show on Netflix, but every once in a while this show lets me down. By fully embracing all that is “British,” The Great British Baking Show occasionally shows England’s ass. Weirdly, I’m not talking about the fact that there’s a contestant who used to work for Boris Johnson. No, I’m talking about what my beloved bakers did to the sacred dish that is pizza. The Great British Baking Show “Bread Week” served up a few truly disgusting pizzas this week, once again reminding me that the Brits suck at pizza — I’m sorry, my UK friends, but it is true! — and that GBBS keeps over-complicating the classics at its peril.
Over the years, The Great British Baking Show has transformed from a low-key, cozy show focused on simple things like scones and sponge into an international hit obsessed with insane feats of crumb-based architecture. Often these increasingly outlandish challenges produce mesmerizing works of art. Other times, though, the bakers ruin what makes a recipe a classic by over-complicating it. Two seasons ago, the bakers ruined the simplicity of a rustic bake like Irish soda bread by overthinking every ingredient. This year, they’ve done the same thing to pizza.
I love all the bakers on The Great British Baking Show this season, including the woman whose sole personality trait is she used to work for Boris Johnson. I want them all to succeed. I want them all to dazzle me with their talents. What I don’t want is for them to concoct the most tortured tastes imaginable for pizza.
Now some of my personal disgust for the pizzas this week come totally down to taste. For instance, I’m not a fan of a full English breakfast on most days. I don’t want baked beans, black pudding, or a grilled tomato half with my eggs and toast. It’s too much! (And too gross!) So when darling Janusz scattered black pudding and baked beans on his pie, I wanted to hurl. Why, oh, why was this happening?
Elsewhere in the tent, we heard about pineapple and pancetta on pizza — which, fine — and figs on pizza — which, sure. I’ve seen that, but not with chili and halloumi?? Dawn literally took beef chuck, which is for stews, and plopped it on her pizza before drizzling two of the least appetizing tex-mex sauces I’ve ever seen on top. Syabira pulled a Sybira and naturally made a Malaysian-inspired pie with prawns, anchovies, and, uh, stinky beans. Syabira, I love you, but I would never eat that dish!!! I don’t even want to talk about the rosemary and lamb pizza.
Now, I know a lot of people thought that the Smörgåstårta Showstopper Challenge was the grossest part of The Great British Baking Show “Bread Week.” And yes, the whole concept of smörgåstårta is absolutely vile to me. However, I can respect that smörgåstårta is a specific dish from Sweden where the locals apparently like eating a savory sandwich cake full of fish and vegetables and mayo. That’s what smörgåstårta is! It’s gross by design! But pizza is originally an Italian dish. There are specific ingredients and flavor profiles associated with its history. And as the daughter of two New York natives, I grew up with a discerning sense of what made pizza good. It wasn’t slapping the weirdest ingredients imaginable together, but perfecting the dough (preferably with New York water), expertly seasoning the sauce, appropriately scattering the super melty cheese, and sourcing the best additional toppings available.
Of course, this brings me to the elephant in the room. Which is I remain unconvinced the Brits understand pizza. I first became aware of this when I lived in the UK after college and went to Pizza Express. You know, the popular British pizza chain? The place that Prince Andrew used as an implausible alibi? I’m not sure you’re aware what kind of pizza they sell there, but it is a selection of savory meals tossed on really underwhelming pizza dough and undercooked. Look at this menu if you don’t believe me.
If this is what Britons think good pizza is then I sort of understand the chaos I saw in The Great British Baking Show “Bread Week.” These poor lost souls don’t know how pizza is really supposed to taste! They don’t understand the delicate balance of sauce to cheese to toppings. They’ve never toured the States and partaken of our various styles of pizza, be it Frank Pepe Connecticut-style or the deep dish of Chicago. These unfortunates have never tasted the true manna of god…real gosh darn pizza.
All this is to say that I think The Great British Baking Show is at its most cringe when it’s overcomplicating the classics and, more importantly, I will never be impressed with British pizza.
